God is kind.

Over the past five years, God has continually drawn me closer in the most healing ways. It’s been a beautifully refreshing experience to let go of the pressure to perform and to simply engage with Him in “non-traditional” ways.

When I first moved back to Ontario in 2019, I carried a lot of fear and mistrust about building a relationship with God. I knew it was what I needed, but I felt it wasn’t what I wanted. Now I see that I did want a relationship with Him—what I didn’t want was religious obligation.

My journey with Him didn’t start with pouring over scripture to understand who He was. Instead, it began with dreams. I prayed, somewhat boldly, “If You want me the way they say You do, then show up.” And He did. It became almost a game, seeing if I could recognize His voice.

After a few of these dreams, I began to trust that He truly wanted to speak to me. I started an inner healing study, knowing He would continue to show me how to heal. I dedicated about three hours each day for five weeks to that study. It was the beginning of finding joy in surrender. It built even more trust in me—trust that He had good plans, that He was a trustworthy guide, and that I could submit myself to Him without fear.

When the study was complete, I continued to journal. I would write out prayers like they were in an instant messenger chat. Or like a “choose your own adventure” story. I’d ask God a question, and then start spitballing every possible answer I could think of. Usually this would result in one or two of the ideas standing out to me. I’d circle it, then ask follow up questions. This was the majority of my connection with God in the first 2 years, dreams and writing questions and answers. Just working at sorting through the mess. Figuring out what was right and real and good. Figuring out what was evil and harmful and finding the roots of trauma and pain. From the outside looking in, it was probably really messy but from my perspective, it was clarity. It was deep breathing. It was chains breaking. It was freedom.

It wasn’t until my third year in real relationship with God that I began to diligently study the whole of scripture instead of just “topic devotions”. I read chronologically through my cultural context study bible, pouring over each note and followed a podcast by Tara-Lee Cobble that used the same concepts. This gave me a much deeper understanding of God’s character. It helped me to more clearly identify His voice in my life. It helped me testify of Him well, because I actually knew the book I claimed to follow.

Year four was a season of active worship: shouting, singing, and dancing before Him regularly. I didn’t journal as much, nor did I study large chunks of scripture. I just focused on being with Him, worshiping with gratitude and declaring who He is. The refreshment I found in this was unmatched. Except maybe dancing through a field under the northern lights singing to Him (pictured). I learned in this season, that I don’t hold any concept of myself as average. If I’m not THE best at something, I’m terrible at it. I learned that this isn’t true. I am the best at running barefoot, and I am the worst at dancing, but I AM an “average” singer. I never would have learned that about myself if I wouldn’t sing to Him in fear of being the worst. (I also dance anyway!)

Year 5 started another era of deep inner healing and identity reformation. There were painfully raw moments, moments of deep, to the bone, exhaustion. In it all, He reassured me, “You know My voice; you hear Me clearly.” I dove deeper into trusting His plan, even when it meant taking giant leaps of faith. I even began to draw, something I’d always thought I was bad at. I’d read a Psalm, and an image would come to mind, and I’d draw it. (Maybe I’ll share some of those drawings and stories here one day.) This was formative in understanding how God sees me. After starting these Psalm drawings, I found a Psalms study on YouTube and joined Faith Womack’s Patreon group to go deeper. This year, rather than reading all of scripture, I focused on studying small sections closely, examining Greek and Hebrew words, and looking for context in other parts of the bible. Finding deep meaning in small sections, and how they relate to the picture as a whole. I’m not looking for where I fit, but what was meant by the original text. Not how I can feel affirmed, but what the text is saying about God.

So. All of this to say, my journey into becoming someone who investigates scripture has included dancing when I wasn’t good at it, drawing with crayons when I wasn’t good at it, singing with all the air in my lungs when I wasn’t good at it, and trusting Him when I wasn’t good at it.

I wasn’t good at it.

But I found joy in these “childish” acts when I let go of what I thought I “should” be. My point is twofold: We grow exponentially faster when we’re willing to look a little strange in obedience, and follow Him into intimacy. It will look different for each person and each season. I don’t know anyone who journals an hour a day and dances an hour a day and reads the Bible an hour a day and hikes an hour a day and sings an hour a day. But the people I know who live with peace, joy, patience, and hope—they’re doing something. Put down the “to-do” list of religion and engage God in whatever way excites you.

People may stare.
Follow Him anyway.

Praying you choose to do the hard, exciting thing, with Love,
Monica