The summer of 2024 was exhausting. I was responsible for directing more than twice the number of camps compared to previous years. I continued in my role as the kids’ church director, and for a short time, I took on even more responsibility as the youth director.

Through it all, God stayed close and faithful, carrying me when I felt I couldn’t go further. As I grew more tired, I tried harder to hide it. Yet, His presence became even more comforting. I took a weekend prayer retreat, where He revealed that I had been carrying shame around my exhaustion. I feared that others might see my fatigue as a sign of being incapable or unqualified. During that weekend, God reminded me of an important truth. He spoke to me:

“I am not surprised by the task ahead of you. It is big, but it isn’t too much. Of course, you’re tired—rest in Me.”

After this weekend I dove into 2 back to back camps, and then 2 weeks break and then 2 back to back camps. In the middle of the first camp, I got a phone call from my best friend, who lives 38hrs drive from me, that her in laws had been in a horrible accident. I prayed with her, I prayed with the kids, and I focused on the task in front of me – camp. Camp is a crucial experience in the lives of most of these kids. They will learn things in this short 104 hours that will be part of their world view for the rest of their lives. So not only did I want to press on toward the message God had given me for them, but I wanted them to see me process fear and pain. I wanted them to know, from seeing, how to do that well. I pray that their hearts are branded by encounters they had with God that week.

The following week was Vacation Bible School (VBS) at another camp two hours northeast. While there, I received the heartbreaking news that Jennie, my best friend’s mother-in-law, had died. I arranged to finish camp and then make the 14hr drive to her hometown to be there for her and her young family as they grieve and process.

On the way there, the GPS unexpectedly routed me through Maine. I hadn’t plan to leave Canada. Due to the chaotic nature of how I live my life, I just happened to have my passport in my car. hahaha.

Now, here’s some background: Three years ago, God asked me to stop praying circumstantial prayers altogether. This shift led me to focus on character development, seeking wisdom and comfort from Him rather than trying to avoid difficult situations. I have only broken from this twice:

1. When I begged for Him to fix my water cooler at camp so I could have cold water. He didn’t fix it—until two weeks after I stopped asking.

2. And I always ask Him to show me a moose on long drives. I’ve seen moose before, but I’ve wanted one just from Him. In my 14 years of asking, He never has.

As I drove through Maine’s breathtaking scenery, I thought about that moose. “God, why haven’t You ever shown me a moose? Could I see one now?” Surrounded by lakes and mountains, breathing in the richness of creation, i remember that i also *chaotically* decided to bring my kayak on this trip. It felt really unwise to just stop for a paddle in a river I don’t know, in a state that doesn’t know me, considering I had no cell reception, and no one knew I’d left the country. Non the less, I still felt pressed to pause with God. I told Him, “If I get cell reception and find a lake to put in, not a river, I’ll know You’re asking me to pause.” Within ten minutes, I felt certain He wanted me to “turn left” down this little dirt road. It lead to a man-made barrier that split a lake in two. I launched my kayak, telling God, “Just for a little while, so I don’t have to load up alone in the dark.”

As I paddled, with the mountains ahead, the sunset’s warmth at my back, I began to wonder, “Is this it, God? Were You saving my moose for this moment—a grand adventure with just You, me, and a moose?” Two loons danced peacefully on the water, calling back and forth across the otherwise silent lake. I thanked God for the loons, reminded my soul to appreciate the experience for what it is, and lay to rest what I think it should be.
In spite of this, beyond every curve in the shoreline my heart longed for a moose to appear in the trees and tall, still grass. I became increasingly disappointed with the experience, begging God to give me a moose. “God, I know you give good gifts. I know you can do whatever you want to. I know you can put a moose wherever you want to.”

At that moment, I rounded the edge of an island and saw a massive brown figure in the reeds on the shore. I started to paddle towards it. “God, is that my moose?! did you give me a moose?! is this really it. I’ve been waiting so long! Did you really do it!?” I paddled my longest, strongest, fastest strokes to try to get close enough for clarity, hoping the figure would be still long enough for me to be sure. As I pulled closer and closer to shore my expectancy and excitement heightened to the point of tears. Praise and thanks flowed from my heart and lungs as I approached. Once the tears cleared from my eyes, I realized that this mysterious brown figure was the ugliest dead tree I have ever encounter in my life. It was like God had commanded it to shrivel only moments before. It wasn’t beautiful old drift wood, its leaves were intact, it was a gnarled, limp, and sickly looking thing.

I was so frustrated. I paddled out to the centre of the lake and sat. Looking up to the mountains, I tried to regain some sense of appreciation for the moment. I was disappointed. “God, I don’t want to come up with some cute meaning. I want you to speak clearly. I want you to tell me why.” It felt as though he was silent. Present, and not speaking. Now, as I type, I recognize that this is a tool he has given me, in dealing with overwhelmed or frustrated people. Be with them, and wait until they are truly able to listen. Once their emotions have calmed by the comfort of your presence, only then, can they hear. God was doing for me exactly what he has taught me to do for so many others.

So, he waited, I lamented, I vented, I cried, and he waited.

I went the wrong way through the islands across the lake, now darkness had fallen. My wild adventure with God was feeling very scary. The deep, dark, still water, now far more intimidating than before, felt as though it would swallow me and my boat at any second. “God I can’t do this. I don’t know how to find my way back. I need help.” Just then, the first car in the whole 2 hour adventure drove past, briefly lighting up my parked car. I locked my gaze on the spot, even when I could no longer see it, because the lights disappeared as quickly as they came. I paddled as straight as I could a shoved up into the tall grass directly in front of my car. The clouds uncovered the moon just long enough for me to get the kayak strapped on.

Once I was in the car and back on the road, and actually ready to listen, God began to speak.

“I’ve asked you not to pray circumstantial prayers because my plans are far bigger than your wildest dreams. My ideas are greater than your known desires. I know what it best. I know what is beautiful. I know what will fulfill you. When you have an idea about what you think the plan should be, what you wish something looked like, then you miss out on enjoying the beauty of what I give so perfectly. Everything about tonight was perfect. I took you on a grand adventure. Just you and me. I took you to rest in your most favourite environment. On a lake. In your boat. With a sunset. Rocks and Water and Trees. I added the loons, even though you’d never think to ask for them. But because you’ve not let go of your desire for a moose, you couldn’t fully enjoy the gift. The reason I havn’t given you a moose is not because I am withholding a gift. I’ve given a greater gift in the lesson. In the reminder to release your own plans, and trust mine. My plans are wild, unimaginable, beautiful, and freeing, you will miss out on enjoying them if you maintain looking for your own lesser experiences. Not only was what you wanted less than what I give, when measured in beauty, but what you wanted is dangerous. You know I am a good and gracious king. You know I give good gifts. Let this moment mark your life, and remind you to release yourself from your own plans and expectations”

Thanks Yahweh for life changing lessons in the most beautiful ways.